gwynnega ([info]gwynnega) wrote in [info]ats_endofdays,
2004-10-26 23:44:00
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Fic contribution, 3.06 Billy

Title: After Billy
Author: [info]gwynnega
Rating: NC-17. Pretty dark.
Spoilers: Through 5.19 "Time Bomb."



1

Wes dreams he catches her. Mashes his mouth against hers, and she loves it. Of course she loves it. He pulls down the delectably thin straps of her dress, slides up her skirt, and then she's all naked legs and arms and breasts. He pushes inside and she loves it. He slams her hard. "No, don't - please - yes - please," she moans. She loves it, but he doesn't care about her pleasure. All he cares about is possessing her, whether she will or no. He rips her dress so loudly it wakes him.

In bed, in the dark, he strokes himself fast and hard, shakes with weeping when he comes.

He is that man, the despoiler. He is his father's son. The rage beneath the humiliation could make him that cold, that brutal.

He'd wanted her before Billy's infection. Had thought of bending her over his desk and taking her. So easy (impossible, with a girl like Fred), just to take her. He'd imagined her loving it.


2

In that shining week of their courtship, when inexplicably Fred turns and wants him - him, not Gunn, not Knox - he thinks that perhaps if/when they finally make love, it will erase that awful day. Chasing her through the hotel. Slapping her down, calling her stupid. Smashing his mouth against hers. How can you come back from that, even if it was Billy's fault, not the terrible truth about him?

Lilah had told him, one night after sex, about Billy's effect on Gavin. He rearranged my face, she'd said casually. Of course, Wes himself had done worse than that, since - he'd chopped Lilah's head off. Not the same thing, lover, he can almost hear her say. You were trying to prevent me from being taken over by something that wasn't me. You know what that's like, don't you? That's what Billy did to you. But don't worry - I shot the son of a bitch. Consider it my gift to you, retroactively.

Not that she would've given him and Fred her blessing. The idea of Lilah giving anything her blessing is laughable. Perhaps that's why he still thinks Lilah is the woman he deserves, not Fred.

Not that he's going to throw away his ridiculous good fortune.



3

"There is a memory that did not change," Illyria says. "One I am curious about."

On the floor with his books and papers, Wes can't stifle a giggle. He knows the memory to which she refers. Why couldn't that have been a manufactured memory? But no, in both realities he tried to rape and kill Fred. She had forgiven him, said he wasn't responsible, called him a good man.

"You attempted to take what you wanted," Illyria says. She strides up, gazes challengingly down at him. Her face so un/like Fred's. It is comforting, in an insane kind of way, that Illyria is impervious to any violence he might wish to attempt upon her. It is oddly relaxing.

"I was under the influence of a demon," he says. "Still, I should have been able to fight it. I didn't fight it at all."

"Perhaps you did not wish to fight it. Perhaps you only wished to possess and destroy."

Perhaps, he thinks. Cordelia had let slip to Wes that Angel wasn't affected by Billy's touch. Angel hadn't raised a hand to Cordy, hadn't barraged her with insults.

"But that is not Fred's memory of it," Illyria continues. "Her memory of it is, that it was not Wesley."

Thank you, he thinks. He does not wish to cry in front of Illyria. "Leave me," he says. "Please."

She cocks her head, studies him. "I will go," she says, and does.

Leave me, please, he bids the memories, but they stay.

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  • 41 comments

[info]keever

October 27 2004, 00:00:09 UTC 7 years ago

::sobs::

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 15:01:08 UTC 7 years ago

::sobs along with you::

[info]kita0610

October 27 2004, 00:09:54 UTC 7 years ago

Oh these were lovely and a bit brutal. Perfect, really.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:34:33 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks, Kita!!

[info]darling_effect

October 27 2004, 00:12:59 UTC 7 years ago

Between this and the goings-on in Secretary this week, I'm a wreck.
Poor Wes.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 12:03:51 UTC 7 years ago

Yes, it's been an emotional week for Wes and Wes-lovers alike!

[info]waywardgirl47

October 27 2004, 00:24:14 UTC 7 years ago

I love it. So perfectly in character.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:34:56 UTC 7 years ago

Glad you liked!

[info]paratti

October 27 2004, 01:47:52 UTC 7 years ago

Good stuff.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:35:13 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks, Lesley!

[info]entrenous88

October 27 2004, 03:13:51 UTC 7 years ago

Haunting, sharp pieces. Thanks for these.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:48:06 UTC 7 years ago

Glad you liked them!

[info]chrisleeoctaves

October 27 2004, 05:21:08 UTC 7 years ago

Sometimes it really *is* possible to say everything there is to say about something in very few words. You've chosen wisely here, Gwyn.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:49:06 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks, Chris. I'd thought at first about making it longer, but it seemed complete as it was - so I'm glad you think so too!

[info]chrisleeoctaves

7 years ago

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[info]lynnenne

October 27 2004, 06:08:50 UTC 7 years ago

Haunting and powerful. Wow.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:49:23 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks!

[info]sockkpuppett

October 27 2004, 06:25:29 UTC 7 years ago

Ahhhh!! Wes is so fucked up. I loved it.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 14:59:09 UTC 7 years ago

I do enjoy writing fucked up Wes! Glad you liked!

[info]inlovewithnight

October 27 2004, 07:36:22 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks for taking one of my top-three favorite episodes and making it even better. :) I've wondered if while they were rearranging memories, Angel didn't have W & H fix up stuff like "Billy" as well...
Loved it.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 15:00:02 UTC 7 years ago

"Billy" is one of my favorites too. It definitely would've been nice for Wes (in the short term) if they'd wiped those "Billy" memories for him...

[info]herself_nyc

October 27 2004, 09:27:26 UTC 7 years ago

Just beautiful.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 15:00:21 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks, Herself!

[info]pinkdormouse

October 27 2004, 13:44:50 UTC 7 years ago

Brutal in so many ways.

Gina

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 15:00:43 UTC 7 years ago

Wes did have a rough time, didn't he?

[info]palmaceae

October 27 2004, 16:11:51 UTC 7 years ago

very very nice. although i think the nc-17 is overrated.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 20:11:13 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks! And yes, I do tend to overdo it in the rating system...

[info]flaming_muse

October 27 2004, 18:54:29 UTC 7 years ago

Oh, this was so good. The last one brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully done.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 20:12:44 UTC 7 years ago

Aww, thanks! The third one was my favorite... :-)

[info]viciouswishes

October 27 2004, 22:40:13 UTC 7 years ago

Very lovely. Wonderful insights into Wesley.

[info]gwynnega

October 27 2004, 22:42:15 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks! I love writing Wesley...

[info]skylee

October 28 2004, 00:23:31 UTC 7 years ago

This is great stuff, poor messed up Wesley. The last bit about Fred's memory of the events is so poignant. *sniff*

[info]gwynnega

October 28 2004, 09:38:46 UTC 7 years ago

Glad you liked it! And yes, poor Wesley...

[info]makd

October 28 2004, 19:09:01 UTC 7 years ago

Well done, and oh so heart-breaking for Wes.

[info]gwynnega

October 28 2004, 21:28:58 UTC 7 years ago

Glad you liked it!

[info]nicole_anell

October 28 2004, 19:56:58 UTC 7 years ago

Oh wow, how did you write something so devastating in that tiny amount of space? I love how you took one of my favorite one-shot episodes and tied it into later events. Spot-on characterization of Wes (Lilah and Illyria too).

[info]gwynnega

October 28 2004, 21:30:30 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks - I'd planned for it to be longer, but it stayed stubbornly short - so I'm glad it worked that way!

[info]janedavitt

October 29 2004, 07:06:01 UTC 7 years ago

I think LJ hates me because I keep finding fics I swear I never saw when they were posted :-(

So perfect that, long after, Illyria gives him that comfort.

[info]gwynnega

October 29 2004, 10:16:21 UTC 7 years ago

Thanks, Jane! I kept wondering what Illyria would make of the "Billy" events...

[info]sufferingfool

August 31 2005, 22:12:17 UTC 6 years ago

Awww! This is so sad and beautiful! Thank you for writing it...Wesley needs a hug :(

[info]gwynnega

August 31 2005, 22:43:36 UTC 6 years ago

So glad you enjoyed it!
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